It was October, getting cold. I was walking with my friend to grab boba, and I was worried because I had read earlier that the government is definitely watching us, and that was creepy. 

Anyways, I was looking up to the clouds and thinking, well, at least we’ve still got this beautiful sunset. I imagine I looked a fright because the wind was picking up and swirling my hair all about my face. Some of it got in my mouth, and I did not like the taste. My friend joked about how hair has extra protein and is good for the diet. I remember smacking her. 

We strolled past my friend’s house, and I noticed her dad on the porch. I saw something like smoke drifting from his silhouette, but I figured I was mistaken because he is a minister and does not smoke; and suddenly I turned to say hi from behind the hydrangea patch, and he saw movement, my hair maybe, and it frightened him, so he jumped. Then he said Jesus, kid! What are you doing sneaking around in the evening? I told him I was just hanging out with a friend. I tilted my head back a little, like how my mother describes corpses’ heads in the morgue. My hair whipped my face. I closed my mouth because it was annoying me again. 

My friend took a long sip from her drink. She told me I looked weird, which I found weird because I was only standing there. It reminded me a lot of how everyone else acted around me. 

Expectational weight felt rather heavy that autumn evening. I was remarkably unmotivated to do anything except stand there and watch the sky, so my friend turned in for the night. I gave her a wave as she left. Her father followed her inside, and I continued to stand there underneath the everlasting sky. 

My fingertips had calluses from practicing music, and my knuckles did too because I had been working out a lot that month. My calves were killing me since I had gone out for a run that morning. I had run a lot. Because I was angry, I think. With the world. With myself. Both, maybe. 
I remember the feeling of anger because I have the same anger now. An effervescent mixture of cola and vodka, hot tears blurring my periphery, and barbed wire tight around my larynx. 

The sun has nearly dipped beyond the horizon. I hadn’t noticed.

It’s weird, isn’t it? Time goes by, minute by minute, and everything is the same, but then another second passes and suddenly

Everything is different.

How do I change a broken world? I met someone, once, who told me that we 
All began this life with a purpose. 
Sometimes, we lose sight of our purpose 
And our vision is clouded with what we think is 
Our purpose. This is how we are controlled. 

I was never distracted. 

I am certain of my purpose. 

I must change this broken world. 

How do I fix this grieving home? 

Trash is tossed over the wall. 
Furniture, stuffed toys and people — 
It all blurs at some point
When it gets tossed over there
Over there! 

I am different, though.

I can see what the adults cannot.

I must hold together my grieving home.

How can you lie still in a crumbling land?

A cyclone spins through this planet.
Whirling winds whipping and whishing — 
At the cycle’s center lie the hearts of martyrs.
They fall. They are torn; they rise; they walk again.

I am not a patient kid, but

My purpose holds me still.

To win, we must wait.

How to change this broken world?

Do not raise your arms in surrender.
But rather hold still
Watch closely
And wave a slow, muted goodbye.

Then turn, and walk onward.

Let go of the wheel. Ease your foot off the pedal. 

Even though you’re in the driver’s seat, you have no control over where this vehicle is actually going. Your tires shudder to a stop, and pink and purple soap fills your vision. 

You roll forward grudgingly and a monsoon rains on your roof while great rubber rotating brushes slam against your sides. You feel very, very threatened but you sit still. You know you can’t possibly back out now. And anyways it is silly to be frightened of a car wash. 

As your car is relieved of the thunderous, fat droplets raining from the heavens, light begins to filter through the puddles on your windshield. Powerful air dryers roar hundreds of water droplets up your windows and you make an imaginary race between them. Up they go, as if the laws of physics and gravity themselves had been upturned. 

The robotic female voice tells you to leave, and you do. As you blink into the bright sky past the green arrows, you think you might emerge a better person driving into a better world.

Watch the olives fade from the trees
See as the topsoil goes flying
When there are no roots to hold it in place
Grasp the barren ground with a blood soaked hand
There are no olives in the promised land.

Listen as sounds of birds drop from the clouds
Wings bent in odd shapes
Sleek metal, explosive
At it’s base, a familiar brand
No more birds in the promised land.

Smell the sharp scent of iron
Flinch at it’s unrelenting sting
In such a great quantity,
Flowing in rivers on the loose sand
How do you persist, promised land?

Feel prison walls trembling
With the remembrance of screams
Greatly envied, this home so coveted
Boots fall just how they were planned
How can you subsist, promised land?

When will the killers of olives, birds,
Shedders of blood and missiles
When will they fall, O Promised Land?

Home on all sides of the globe
My suffering reflected with yours
A missed land, a promised one

This Promised Land:
When will my spring come back to you?

It doesn’t look like nothing
It doesn’t feel like nothing
But it is nothing

Nothing except me
Criticizing outputs
Refreshing answers.

I have a sneaking suspicion
That I’ve already written this poem,
That many have before me.

But I don’t want to argue with syntax,
So I stay silent.

It has the perfect number of lines within

each stanza.

I don’t like that,
But I concede that it does look a lot prettier

Than any of my work.

So what makes you so sure
That you are not dropping your own words into the blender
And it’s coming out sliced and diced
And completely and utterly backwards.

That is not what you meant at all, but
The computer knows best.

The light from your screen hits your keyboard
Illuminating the keys
Uselessly.

Keys shining uselessly
Right there in front of you
Useless.

Do you understand?
Refresh once more.

Do you understand now?

Father who art in heaven.

I am tired of screaming. You fall, a corpse, and I am alone once again. I do not scream. I have lived all this before.

Hallowed be thy name.

I remember you, and I am risen once again from the ashes. The sound of artillery fire resonates heavily in my skull, but it will fade. You are making breakfast. 

Thy kingdom come–

We say a prayer before eating. I hold your hand. I have memorized the calluses, the grooves, the cuts, and it gives me comfort. Amen, we say, and dig in. I am hungry but say I am not, because that is what I did last time.

Thy kingdom–

I look at my hands, and I can almost see the blood dripping off them. I blink, and it is gone. 
Why does His kingdom feel so far away? I do not think I will go there. I have disobeyed the laws of nature, blinded by my own arrogance. Or was it love?

Thy will be done,

The silver that will soon be in your skull has turned into the silver fork in my hand. I watch the clock. I know it will happen again.

On earth as it is in heaven.

The clock is a heartbeat, and I am the god of this second. I know the exact tick when the air will change. I know the precise degree the sun must hit the floor before my world breaks. 
“You’re shaking,” you tell me. 
You place your hand comfortingly on my arm. Your palm is defiantly warm. I look into your eyes. I see only craters and I smell cordite. I have stolen you from the mouth of the grave and for that I am sorry. 

Give us this day our daily bread,

I am satisfied with the lie. I am satisfied with the way the steam rises from your mug of coffee and hides the smoke running up the horizon. I take a bite of your waffles. It tastes awful but I smile, because I love you.

And forgive us our trespasses

This is a communion of the damned.

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

I do not forgive the world for taking you. 
It is true, I am not only here to say my last words to you. I am here for another reason as well. A reason that breaks one of the most fundamental rules of my power.

Lead us not into temptation

I must save you, and kill him. 

But deliver us from evil.

At 9:36 pm, the door bursts open and I grab you. I throw you underneath the table and tackle the man in the doorway. I have been shot once already, in the shoulder. I wrench the gun away from his hands and grab the dagger in his pocket, throwing that into the skull of his comrade behind him. 

Deliver us from evil,

I have at this point taken out the two soldiers sent here to kill us. It is over. I have won. I clutch my ripped shoulder, blood flowing, gushing from the wound. You look at me as if you do not know me, but I was only protecting you. Like I always have. I am confused. Why are you hesitant to grasp the hand of your protector? You are alive, that is what matters. We are alive.

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory.

I hold your hand in mine, and look deeply into your eyes. You are beautiful, the true representation of God’s creation.

For ever and ever.

I hear the sound of death approaching before it actually hits. I turn, and am greeted by perhaps sixty bullets riddling my body. I look behind me. You have fallen once again. I had not planned for this future. I have not yet experienced this one. I have failed.
Your gaze catches mine, and I kiss your blood-slicked forehead. As the light fades from your eyes, I remember you.

God’s divine creation, so full of love. But, as I glance towards the men at the door and my reflection in their visors, I see.

There is no love in the hearts of men.

I knit my fingers together and close my eyes tight to finish the prayer.

Amen.

Is the first to go.
Bedtimes grow later and later
And then we show up at different times.
We are given to-go boxes even though we don’t really want to go
But we do anyway, smiling our superficial smiles.

Then we put on our fancy dresses and suits
To prove a point to no one but ourselves,
Sit in the car
Alone in the driveway.

We try to one-up each other
With fancy brands
And makeup.

We no longer wear Velcro shoes
And drink from sippy cups
Because they’re not in fashion.

We lie silently
As the noise grows louder
And towels begin to hold wetness for longer
And we have more room than we know what to do with.

There is a fork in the road.
We all go our separate ways,
Gravel crunching underneath our tires,
Sky fading to black,
The streetlights flicker.
I flicker back.

Every day when I walk home from school
I see a woman with her young son
Asking for money by the road.

I stick my hands in my pocket and
Turn my head away.
There is nothing I can do because
I only have three dollars on me.

The Houston heat is relentless
And I am tired.
I open Instagram on my phone as I pass the
Convenience store
So I can distract myself.

It looks like my country’s crazy president
Has done something crazy (again).

Shocker.

I like the post, and concede that
There is nothing I can really do other than a like
Because I am only fourteen.
This is enough.
(I add a repost on top of the like for my conscience.)

I head to my best friend’s house.
Did you know we’re in a water crisis right now?
I didn’t.
I like that reel, too.

Nothing more I can do.

I walk into her bedroom.
She complains about the state of the world.
Bombs, Iran, Israel
Oil.

We argue, we laugh, we play games
And before we can scroll away from the truth
Her eyes turn to mine, eyes wide.
Real people, she says.
They’re dying. What do we do?

I shrug. For now, I believe what I am told.
Test on Tuesday.

Tomorrow will go just about the same way.
I’ll walk past that woman on the side of the road
And tell myself there’s nothing I can do.

We’ll
Seduce ourselves with the sweet lies we’re told
Learn how to prioritize the wealth of the one percent
Soothe ourselves with the faint warmth
Of the people not on television
Burning in our kitchen.

There’s this girl I’ve been avoiding.

I’ve known her for a long time,
And we were close some time ago.
But at some point we just grew apart.

It’s mostly my fault, I think.
I started prioritizing other things over her
Which I thought were more important.

But I saw her again this morning,
In the mirror.
She’s changed a lot since I last met her.

She’s not quiet anymore.
She’s emotional.
She has a sharp tongue and lies easily.

I never noticed these changes happening,
But here they were:
She grew up.

Right before my eyes.